Conspiracy theories gone wild

Jan. 30, 2013 @ 06:01 AM

Yet another government conspiracy has apparently surfaced. Recent reports of the current python hunt in the Florida Everglades are being questioned by Python Truthers.

The hunt, supposedly organized by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission to remove invasive Burmese pythons from the Everglades, has reportedly drawn over a thousand hunters equipped with a range of firearms. The mob has descended on the Big Cypress National Preserve, some 50 miles southeast of Naples.

But, according to the Python Truthers, there is no actual python hunt in Florida. In fact, the conspiracy goes even deeper, say the Truthers: there have never been any pythons in the swamps of Florida!

That’s right, it’s all been an elaborate hoax according to James Kracy, a little known Florida college professor and head Python Truther.

“If there really was a python problem in the Everglades,” says Kracy, “the government would attempt to fix it in their usual, bureaucratic, bungling way by creating an even bigger environmental nightmare – they’d probably have secretly bred a species of giant mutant mongoose and released hundreds in the region.”

Kracy says the lack of NRA public support for an event that hosts a thousand gun-toting, beer drinking, hunters spraying the glades with a ton of bullets is also ominous.

“So it just can’t be real,” stresses Kracy. “Besides, wouldn’t the Bravo Network have TV cameras throughout the swamps filming a reality show about the event?”

Those dubious about Kracy’s claims refer to the many photos and videos published in the press lately, allegedly showing people catching pythons in the Everglades. But Kracy believes this illusion was created with some sophisticated photoshopping and a cast of government paid actors probably working in collusion with ratings-hungry news organizations.

Kracy thinks he has traced the plot’s origins back to 1979 when Miami movie theaters held numerous “Monty Python” film festivals. Rumors soon began circulating throughout south Florida about a Python invasion.

In reality, Kracy believes the government was behind the stories and secretly began hatching an elaborate scheme designed to entice law abiding hunters down to Florida (some 24 years later) to confiscate their firearms when the would-be hunters set foot on the protected Florida wetlands.

“The government is determined to take away our guns,” he says.

Kracy claims other evidence supporting the python hunt hoax includes:

• David Letterman never having broadcast a Top Ten list of the most annoying celebrities hunters could use as bait.

• Lance Armstrong confirming that the hunt was real.

• Any hunt for crawling reptiles would obviously have begun in Washington, D.C., not Florida.

• There is, in fact, no such species as the Burmese python; only the Myanmar Python.

Dr. Kracy, who cites Eddie Murphy in the 1996 film “The Nutty Professor” as his academic mentor, says his theory was largely dismissed by the public. But he and fellow Python Truthers (sometimes also simply known as The Kracies) say it’s important for the truth to come out.

Kracy is also suspicious that the python hunters had to pay a $25 registration fee, but were told by officials that they could potentially only win $1,500 for catching the most snakes or $1,000 for the longest.

“The math just doesn’t add up,” explains Kracy. “1,000 hunters each paying a $25 fee? That’s a total of $25,000; but the entire prize money offered was only $2,500.”

(On the other hand, conspiracy theory conspiracy theorists could argue this financial discrepancy was actually proof that the event really was government sponsored).

Kracy says he is applying for a government grant to further study government conspiracies.

In the meantime, he advises chronically suspicious citizens who worry about government intrusion to seriously consider the future warnings of conspiracy theorists: “How else can you distinguish fact from fiction in this crazy world, other than letting someone else do your thinking for you?”

 

Thomas’ features and columns have appeared in more than 270 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, San Francisco Chronicle, and Christian Science Monitor. He can be reached at his blog: http://getnickt.blogspot.com