Thomas: Celebrity New Year's Resolutions

Jan. 09, 2013 @ 06:15 AM

Many of us make personal pledges to improve our lives at the beginning of a new year. It would probably come as no surprise if well-known celebrities or organizations made the following New Year’s resolutions:

Paris Hilton: I’m going to do much more for others in 2013. I plan to help feed the hungry by planting a lot more crops in FarmVille.

Justin Bieber:  I intend to keep a lower public profile in the New Year. But not before my new sitcom “Leave it to Bieber” airs; my new line of wrist watches, Justin Time, is released; my new autobiography “To Bieber or Not to Bieber” is published; and the boy scouts change their motto to Bieberpared.

Kim Kardashian: I will try to keep trivial stories about my life out of the media spotlight, unless it’s something of national importance, like losing my cellphone.

Lindsay Lohan: I pledge to be a better driver. Whenever I hit pedestrians, I promise to stop three out of four times and, if they are conscious, have my assistant given them a copy of my autograph.

Britney Spears: Whenever I write something funny in an email or blog, I will not write LOL.  LOL

Psy: To reflect how tired people are of seeing my Gangnam Style video, I’ll be changing my name to Sigh.

Marilyn Manson: I know I scare people; I even have to sneak up on the bathroom mirror. I promise to use less Snooki-like makeup in the New Year.

Bill Gates: I pledge to try and stop secretly hoping all Apples are attacked by worms.

Mark Zuckerberg: I will launch a new web site called Fannybook to complement my Facebook site. It will examine the other side of social networking.

Joan Rivers: The local Internet server crashes every morning when I use my computer to talk with friends. In the New Year, I will abide by my Internet service provider’s request not to Skype while wearing my nightdress.

Judge Judy: I will try to be less judgmental.

Hugh Hefner: I will stop exploiting women. Oh wait, my mistake, I thought it was April 1.

PETA: We will be boycotting all physics textbook authors who persist in using the cruel Schrödinger’s cat paradox. Even theoretical cats should not be subjected to forced confinement in hypothetical boxes.

NRA: To increase spectator safety at sporting events, we will be suggesting federal legislation that forces every baseball, football and basketball fan to carry a concealed weapon.

Roger Federer: I plan to create a line of new designer tennis shoelaces.

Michael Phelps: I will put my gold medals on eBay, to pay off the national debt.

Barack Obama: I believe this nation should commit itself, to achieving the goal, before the year is out, of landing a man on Mars. And that man is Donald Trump. Then we can discuss the merits of returning him safely to Earth.

Piers Morgan: I intend to sign the petition going round to deport a whiny, annoying Brit who works in the U.S. entertainment industry. No, wait……

Chris Matthews: I intend to be a more moderate news commentator in the New Year. But I’ll still lean so far to the left that I will only be able to walk in counterclockwise circles.

Sean Hannity: In the New Year, I plan to dye my hair blonde and take my medications regularly, so I can truly be fair and balanced.

God: From now on, after seeing how humans have “evolved,” I’ll stick to creating uninhabited gas giants.


Thomas' features and columns have appeared in more than 270 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, San Francisco Chronicle, and Christian Science Monitor. He can be reached at his blog: